old fashioned parenting
John Rosemond - super duper plan for being a parent, or something like that. This is one of the books I was able to read in the last few weeks. Nothing groundbreaking in this book and that actually makes it worth the few minutes of reading time. John essentially hails back a couple generations for better examples of parenting. For example - compare & contrast a couple things today vs say 1950 something. Today, families have 1-2 kids - spaced "ideally" years apart, spaced & limited quantity so parents can keep the kids the center of their attentions. Rosemond hypothesizes that this focus on kids isn't for the kids, but rather for parents who want to have no limits on their experience. Rosemond doesn't intend to idealize the '50s but rather show the shift in cultural directions. There are couple important differences he points out.
Marriage, not kids are the focus of parents. Focus on your marriage and kids will benefit. Secondly, childraising is just one of a parent's jobs. In today's culture, we parents have a tendency to fall prey to the pressure of kids first, its all about the kids. Guess what - kids are resilient and not our measure of success. Its easy to succumb to measuring yourself by how good/bad your kids are doing. John uses the 1950's stuff to get priorities back in order. I think he says something like - in the 40's,50's childraising was one of many jobs a married adult did, but it wasn't the primary. It may take up the most time,particularly when kids are young but the mom/dad that is PTA, sports coach, taxi driver,etc has lost focus on what God is callingthem to do. Thebook ends up with lots of stories/examples to this. This is the first point I was reminded of.
Then John suggests the unthinkable. A pair of directives for your children - Do less activity & they will be ok to play on their own. For the do less activity,he makes a great case for ignoring most of the "opportunities" available to kids today. His principle - 1 activity taking up no more than 1 afternoon/evening a week and must not disrupt family dinner. The challenge is doing less = more relaxed family = less discipline issues. What do your kids do with all that extra time? Play, read, explore - creative, unstructured, child directed activity. He questions how many of today's "opportunities" are really for the kids anyway. Little League for example is dominated by parents. He pushes the extreme and says his parents never saw a game. I think that's a little sad. I agree that parents have taken over,but I'm glad my parents enjoyed watching me play. It seems a good principle though - be incredibly selective about external activities - be sure any opportunity supports the family. The 2 directives go together. Less activity builds children who have more opportunity to grow their own skills. They can play. What do you do with all the free time? Enjoy your home, have a family life. My take was Rosemond wanted to say (if he didn't) that parents micromanage their kids. He points out, its not painful for a 4 year old to spend an entire afternoon in their room. They probably have abundant toys, books in their room. The hardest part for most of today's children is the pain, crying in learning to play on their own. Its just like learning to sleep on their own - they have to learn isolation, learn to explore, learn that Mom & Dad are not their entertaining playmates. Mom & Dad will provide goodthings but Mom & Dad are authority, not just buddies or an on demand adult entertainment unit.
Finally, I enjoyed his "make discipline memorable" He puts it to parents that we don't give our kids enough credit. We don't make things hard enough. One story is a parent who takes a bike away for a day after the child rides out of bounds - a DAY. Thats it, not a week, not a month. John reminds us that the stories of discipline we as adults remember were memorable. To be memorable, they were probably effective. How much of our "discipline" is worthy of stories? The 4 weeks of dishes didn't kill you. Moving the log pile across the yard 3 times didn't kill me. Kids are capable - they can handle discipline and responsibility. Furthermore - they crave it. A 4 year old can wash a floor and will be proud of the contribution.
Rosemond lost some of my respect. He has no problem pulling punches at a bunch of other teachers. When he does so within his sphere of expertise (psychology), I'm ok with his attack (on Dr.Phil). However, when he goes after Dr. William Sears, he makes a fell error. He makes adhominem attacks on Dr. Sears unnecessarily & incorrectly. He evaluates Dr. Sears recommendations for their psychological merits (fair enough) without considering their physiological merits. Going outside of his expertise, Rosemond makes the same mistake of which he accuses Sears. Furthermore, Rosemond makes some STUPID assertions about infants. All in all the book was full of good reminders & refocusing ideas.
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>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
Stefan M. Haney
stefan.m.haney@pobox.comBe sure to check out
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urban -> suburban -> rural?
There is an urban problem of choices - which is also the strength. We choose to live in an urban setting. We choose this to purposefully limit our traveling. Everything we need (food, work, library, recreation, parks) has an option that is walkable, bike-able, or bus-able. If we drive somewhere, it is a choice either for expediency - malls are suburban and take too long with the bus OR comfort, the bus with 3 small children isn't easy. We choose our setting for the diversity of people - I want my children to see people around, for the "sesame street" idea of multiple colors to have meaning. I like being home from work in less than 30 minutes. I want to spend my time with my family, not on a bus and I have that option.
what we've found however is problematic. Our convictions are reformed calvinistic type. by conviction of preaching and practice - we find ourselves in a church in the suburbs. We worship away from our physical community with a group of believers who are apart from us during the week. This group of believers is also fragmented throughout the suburban archipelago of the puget sound but we'll ignore that for the moment.
Where is the reformed presence in the city? Why are cities typically bereft of a stout faithful biblical gospel? Have the reformed types given up grappling with homosexuals, public schools, homelessness and other social issues forced upon you by close neighbors? Have the reformed types given up on the city? The city NEEDs the gospel, the city needs a gospel strong enough to handle the depravity - the reformed gospel - a gospel of grace. Meanwhile b/c we are organic eating (mostly), homebirthing, birkenstock, bicycle commuting, homeschooling, family oriented,community involved, evangelically hopeful, our suburban comrades also look at us a bit suspiciously.
Solving a problem like maria, I mean like community NEEDS a revival of reformed types. Ultimately, this is a problem of american indepentism. If I don't like the church in my neighborhood, I can leave (I'm guilty). If I don't like my neighbors, I find a new club. We can ignore our differences by changing our place. (there's an aside about why this is different in rural communities - they have less choice & can't move as easily but...anyway) Moving together & starting a suburban commune isn't the solution either. Suburbs are bad social architecture by definition - they center on transportation. Suburbs are the product of transportation affording people to live AWAY from where they work. The solution doesn't begin with everyone committing to a place. It begins with everyone being convicted of serving your neighbor while fearing God. As always its a matter of heart, not geography.
Country Life Utopia
In the natural wave pattern of life, I oscillate between agrarian dreams and urban utopia. I enjoy the city. As I read blogs, books, & converse with agrarians, the reasons I hear for moving out to the country are often anti-urban. Like cities are inherently evil. Not that I think my friends believe this. There are just more original sinners in one place - so maybe its true... But then I recall God's rest in the old testament was a .....CITY. A city on a hill.
The city affords some great opportunities - you have to practice love for your neighbor on a higher level than the country. In the city, your neighbor could be black, hispanic,gay, democrat, communist, old... There's more differences. Also because of the differences, there is exposure - In chinatown, your senses can be assaulted in some degree. Yet, the country affords more freedoms and more opportunity to practice interdependence. HAve to think more on this.
Japan Wandering
A recent interuption to the family life was a work trip to Japan. Amazon sells a lot of stuff in Japan. Interestingly, the Japanese have a very different attitude than the French. While the FR resent and resist the anglophile material, Japanese buy a LOT of material imported from the US & UK.
Culture clashes -
The staff works regularly till 10-11 pm at night. This seems normal to them. I don't get it, I can barely be away from family for 8-10 hours aday, and this trip was killing me. As a manager, the goal of efficiency isn't to reduce their work but
change the work to something with a higher value. Being an american works 2 ways. My natural manner might be offputting to someone japanese but in the office, it affords an unique opporunity. Since my presence is very temporary, I have the opportunity to play bad cop, setting up my japanese counterpart for the good cop role. We all win - the inefficient process gets changed, my JP counterpart keeps face, probably even advances face.
The japanese have an odd sense of proprietary - though, mad cow disease & bird flue crazes are mostly past us, the images of everyone wearing surgical masks sticks with me. If you thought this was an oddity, apparently, it is dishonor to pass your germs on to someone else. So if you're feeling a cold coming on or even a mild cough/sniffle - stop by your local 7-11 and select a mask from the row of options next to the KitKat
Other experiences:
House church-120 people in a house and oh yes, I was in slippers.
simultaneous multilanguage worship. The pastor was thoughtful enough to select common psalm tunes so the JP sang in Japanese, us Gaijin sang in English. God can sort it out. I now understand better why pentecost bystanders thought the apostles were drunk
Warm sushi & beer for breakfast
An early morning (4:40am) brought me on the first subway over to the Tokyo FishMarket. The abundance of random squiggly, squirmy, slimy,scaly creatures in foam boxes is a marvelous illustration of what can be harvested in the Ocean. Looking out over puget sound, the water just looks dark & wavy. Walking through the market, there were aisles of squid, fish, octopus, eels (live), clams, oysters and of course the highlight - tuna. The big ones, don't think tuna fish, think tuna steak. Every morning except Sunday & Holidays, over 2500 of these tuna are auctioned off (Japanese auctions are humorous since I can't understand a word anyway). That is over a 700,000 tuna a year. Almost a MILLION of these big fish, just in the tokyo fish market.
After meandering, we joined the workers for fresh sushi - so fresh the fish is still warm and beer. Good start to the day.
Nitro Life
In high school, to juice up a car - you'd have a switch to cut over over to Nitro fuel. I don't think I ever rode in a car with this but every movie or TV show I saw had a tense moment, escaped by "switch to Nitro" and ZOOM. While I didn't drive nitrous, I did like to ride my bike down Filmore St. hill. This was the longest hill within 5 miles of my house. The descent could have been 3-400 feet over a quarter mile at best. Not much altitude change - but this was the midwest. I'd climb that hill (or sneak up the backside via 56th st.) and accelerate into the downhill. Hunched over the handlebars, I'd pedal the cranks in my highest gear. After coasting as far as Cedar Lake Road on a good day, I'd check the cyclometer - Max Speed = ??? On a good day I'd hit 40. I may have even broken 40mph a couple times
The thing about going fast is that the details of the route become a blur. Whatever is on the side of the road, flashes by. Instead of knowing your place & interacting with the surroundings, the sensory experience is on the buzz, blur, wind in your face. At best you hope not to hit an oncoming car (Filmore had a blind turn, taking the inside lane picked up at least .3 mph)
Coming into Spring, the local plants are bursting into bloom all over the place. Trees covered with blossoms shed petal storms in spring windbursts. Our neighbor's "lightly" pruned apple trees are flower sticks. This year, our unplanned project was a front yard expansion. After our concrete contractor friend's dire assessment of our driveway retaining wall, we've poured concrete and dumptruck loads of dirt into a new front yard. This project wasn't something I'd been planning for a couple years but eh. A good number of sidebenefits have come of it. My wife has jumped whole hog into owning the plant-scape around our house. Not one to do anything half-heinie, she's checked out every plant book in the Seattle public library (really). I now receive a botany education on our neighborhood walks while our neighbors receive a "critique "on their yards.
(where's he going you might wonder now, a paragraph on speed, spring, & his garden? ) Here comes the synthesis - those three themes reflect my state of mind somewhat right now. Life is full of interests, activities, and concerns. Everyone has them. But right now, my garden is spring in bloom. 3 young children are my sprouts all in different stages of their climbing vine lives. My work at
Amazon is budding into broader concerns of how to delight customers with ever cheaper processes. (I love my job). Church is full of change in people and perspective - where will God take this group? All of this adds up to a rate of growth that is blurring the sidelines right now.
As a single man or even young married, there was more time to plan the big picture. Lay out the direction I'd like the plants to go - a nasturtium there, rosemary here. But as plants grow, you can prune, transplant, water but the growth will occur in the manner of the plant. I'd love to sit back at my desk and map out our family's activities against our desired values. Lay out a "plan" for the next 3 months -(I'm a bit AR, planning gives me an illusion of control) Right now, the best I can do is hunch down over the bars, listen for cars, and crank.
Ongoing Evolution foibles
Last night I stayed up way too late to watch "inherit the wind", a movie version of the Scopes Monkey Trial. The movie is just as up-to-date today as it was then. Interesting how the arguments really don't change. After watching the movie, I'm ready to do a bit more research in the actual history of the trial. It was hard to tell what was Hollywood and what was fact. In the movie, "Matthew Harrison Brady" aka William Jennings Bryant, was caricatured as a loudmouth, tent-revivalist, politician. His theological acumen was pretty shallow. The people however hailed "him" as their champion rather than HIM as the champion. This pride led to the downfall of the case. Because Brady claimed to be an "expert" on the bible, he took the stand as a witness for the defense. "Drummond" ~ Darrow nailed Brady with basic logic, but part of the trap was Brady's bad theology. Darrow asked him what the bible thought of all the "begatting", brady said the bible called sex -original sin. This is nothing further from the truth. Brady also tried to rationalize the bible which is not the point.
Brady further lost the case because he had "Bad form" In a fight, it is considered bad form to mock your opponent. Brady, & the townspeople did a discredit to their case by mocking evolution rather than evaluating it on its (lack) of merits.
Interestingly enough, I find the same case could be argued today but in reverse. The school systems have so deluded themselves with evolution, that science classes are entrenched in it. The Scopes case was NOT about whether evolution was right or wrong but rather whether it could be taught. Why then is it unacceptable to teach creation or even mention it today? I believe b/c the scientists know, explicitly or implicitly, that the 2 theories are about faith. As such, only one can be true and therefore only one taught. The battle is not about science but rather faith.
IF the evidence is examined, I believe it is no more delusional to believe in Creation than evolution. Neither can be proved conclusively as fact (though both sides would have you believe otherwise). Each side can stand across the battlefield from each other with taunts - WHere are the fossils? How can there be evening & morning without a sun? There are of course other consequences, if you have such a flexible/horrid hermeneutic at the beginning of the bible, what will you do with the really hard stuff? However at the end of the day, I'd much rather be a creation of an Almighty God, than a monkey - how is it even a question?
Recent Reading
Books of late.
Peace like a River – Leif Enger http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/0802139256
Recommended by a friend, good read, fairly quick – unpredictable turns for a family.
The book reminded me of
Brothers K – David James Duncan http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/055337849X
Not the Brothers Karamazov but definitely analogous points. Story of a Northwest family in the late 50’s….
Secrets of Barneveld Calvary http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/0801057558
Meals to GO
How far does your food travel to get to your plate? In reading confessions of an organic homesteader http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/1931498245 She lists an interesting measurement - What is the average distance of your food? Maybe you could call it miles per meal? I like it because it doesn't get all idealistic - BE ORGANIC, BUY Produce from Local farmers. A coke from a local bottling plant doesn't come that far. But the miles per meal does encourage you to know where your food comes from and think smartly. It encourages you to eat local which is also good for your soul & body. Tunes you in to local patterns of nature, keeps you in sync with what is happening in your environment. Good stuff
Meals to GO
How far does your food travel to get to your plate? In reading confessions of an organic homesteader http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/1931498245 She lists an interesting measurement - What is the average distance of your food? Maybe you could call it miles per meal? I like it because it doesn't get all idealistic - BE ORGANIC, BUY Produce from Local farmers. A coke from a local bottling plant doesn't come that far. But the miles per meal does encourage you to know where your food comes from and think smartly. It encourages you to eat local which is also good for your soul & body. Tunes you in to local patterns of nature, keeps you in sync with what is happening in your environment. Good stuff
Agrarian Dreams
I’m 32, will I continue to live my dreams? I’m reposting this as I just screwed up and deleted it. Leading a family isn’t easy. I think I’d like to lead my family into building our own house. Seems like a daunting task as there’s a lot about construction I don’t know. But envisioning working together to lay a stone wall, a central fireplace of stone or Russian ceramic stove. The reality never seems to work that way. Where do you buy land that you can pay in full? Do you have to move out to no-where’s-ville? Or is it just delusion and the kids would hate it anyway.
But there does seem to validity to moving out of the urban setting for a simpler pace of life. Not more restful. Agrarian-ism is hard work but honest work. And agrarian work is in sync with natural patterns. But how do you do that? I like TV, I like ez food. It seems much easier to just work an extra week, then stop in at PCC rather than planning a brood of chickens. But do I want to remain captive to an employer? I want control back over my time, leaving on a trip with the family spontaneously – being home in the afternoon for….Tea…. Agrarian thinking reduces the overall family cash requirement. We could homeschool in the city – there are great things, museums, racial diversity, and architecture. But do I really want my kids to “grow up fast?”
How do you make that transition, it feels so huge. Well I read some Gene Logsdon recently and got some more hope. Living At Nature’s Pace http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/189013256X Gene argues (like Wendell Berry – “Jayber Crow” & Joel Salatin “You can Farm”) that the post WWII organizational machine totally messed up farming by making it bigger & bigger. This threw off the natural balances. Gene points out that pre WWII farms were family oriented, diverse, kept profits up by keeping costs down. The key to keeping costs down? Let animals do the work (no external resources required aka tractors & gas). Use resources that exist on the farm. What grows easily – GRASS.
If you can grow a lawn/plant a garden, you can be agrarian. Move 20-50 minutes away to 1-10 acres (whatever you can pay off as much as you can) get some chickens & turkeys but keep your day job. Begin building a few fences as you observe the plants & patterns on your land. Keep your day job. As your kids grow, let them take on projects – a small cow, a couple sheep, training a Shetland pony to pull a cart, plow. – Remember Almanzo Manning was breaking oxen when he was 9 – NINE years old. Keep your day job. BUT you could be getting closer to taking a job that provides less cash – BECAUSE you have less needs!!!
One hard consideration for me is community. Eric so & so described in “Better OFF” http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/B000BOB31U that the problem with the back to the land movement of the 70’s was that it was distorted by American “independentism” or hippy communism. The independents went out to the woods like pioneers but got lonely. Hippies built communes but didn’t think like pioneers. Eric researched his MIT masters in sociology & Technology by living in a “minimite” community for a year. The past we are nostalgic for, the simpler life isn’t lived alone but the work is shared, shared with others. Principles shared, experience shared - these fuel the passions, not achievements or trophies. So I think we can do it but this needs to be a family commitment. We don’t need to rush, just plan step by step toward gaining control back over our time and reducing our cash requirements without losing quality of life.
Just finished a book
Just finished a book. Read it from beginning to end in one sitting. It was interesting but had the opportunity since I was flat on my back. Mostly cause I’m an idiot. Filling in my driveway, I was lifting sand over my head. All of a sudden, I felt a flash in my back in the half bent over position. Put the sand down and thought “this is how middle-age guys on TV look when they throw out there backs”
Was able to bite through it until… my 2 yr’old was falling off a chair face first. Not a question – had to catch her. Bang Back gone the rest of the way. So I begin diving into “Peace like a River”
http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/087113795X Good book, very similar to the Brothers K. I like the books that have a respect for Providence. Things happen for a reason but often not what you expect.
A little bonus about living in the Northwest. After not having much reduction in pain, we called the dr. on call. Instead of listening for 2 seconds and prescribing drugs, the dr. listened. He, then asked a couple key questions about the symptoms followed up with “what homeopathics do you have around the house?” His suggestion – start with the homeopathics for reason x, y, & z. If you need stronger medicine don’t hesitate to call. What a nice twist. This approach fits so well with my philosophy in many areas. Simplest solution for the problem, start with the cheapest & work to more expensive.
2006 has begun
2006 has begun and I have all these ideas and lofty goals for the year. There are a few routines I’d like to start: growing in family worship, new traditions to generate artifacts of memories (kid paintings, voice recordings), morning walks etc. Maybe we’ll get moving a bit more, maybe not.
I have to wonder though – another year and I hear more & more about people “wanting to lose weight”. What’s the point of that? Weight is a symptom – not a goal. Losing weight for the sake of losing weight seems so futile, no wonder people quit. The goal is messed up, instead of a weight oriented goal such as lose 10lbs – the goal should be outcome based, such as ride my bike to work daily with no discomfort or fit into my old jeans.
Whether I enact any of these goals or not, it will be exciting to live with three little kids and a marvelous wife this year. The surprises will come from all corners – I can’t wait.
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